Once upon a time, I was a binge eating monkey who lived in a world of self-destruction. I was addicted to exercise but for all of the wrong reasons. Exercise should be a healthy addition to your lifestyle, but for me, it was my whole life. It became a form of punishment for my erratic, binge eating behavior. I hated myself and who I’d become.
Yes, I, like many women, have struggled to live in my own skin for many years.
When I look back now, I understand why.
I had created far too many cruel and damaging rules that I felt controlled me. These rules lead me down a dark path of food restriction; I’d cut out food groups, I tried to detox my body, I went on juice diets, you name it I’ve probably tried it. It worked for a short period, but before I knew it, I was bingeing and gorging on food again.
I’d binge when I felt sad/angry/tired/bored every emotion was to blame. When the reality of these bingeing episodes had kicked in, I would punish myself with hours of exercise. I didn’t care if I was sore or tired. I just HAD to burn off the calories I’d consumed.
Sadly, things got even more extreme. I took laxatives (which is not the best idea for someone who suffers from IBS), I restricted food entirely for days here or there, I tried weight loss shakes, fat burners, I could go on, but I deep down I knew at some point this would have to stop.
For a very long time, I thought I would live like this forever.
I hated myself and who I had let myself become.
I felt such sadness like I had never experienced before.
I was a personal trainer who felt hideously ashamed of her ‘secret’ life.
“How am I meant to give out healthy advice when I can’t even look after myself?” I asked myself.